Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
