3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He passed out mid-signature
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
