I heard we made out
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize