your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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