She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
