It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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