me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize