She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
