i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize