I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
