I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
