Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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