i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
