i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
