god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Define "chronic" masturbator.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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