Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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