His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
