i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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