i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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