if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
