I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
