I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize