Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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