everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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