Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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