i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
there is glitter all over my balls
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
