Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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