Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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