I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
