Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
