I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
