Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
