I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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