Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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