you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
