Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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