I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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