i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dicks are not precious.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
