saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
