I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
