Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
