dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
