I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
whose parrot is this?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
