Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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