i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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