Your mouth is God's brothel.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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