We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
