when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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