i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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