Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you made out with another girl for some wings
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
