I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
