sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize