i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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