the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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