And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
